Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Same old, same old...
I’m writing in this today because there was an episode of Corner Gas on last night where Hank and Brent realized that they write blogs and no one reads them. I don’t so much write this for the other people out there who might happen to read it, than I do for myself to get things out of my head.
The problem, however, is that my head is mostly empty these days. Seriously. I think my job is killing my brain. I’m fairly sure that every day I spend here results in decreased I.Q. points. I know I’m gaining “life experience”, in that I’m experiencing life by default – I’m not dead. But I’m not learning anything new, and not doing anything remotely interesting. There’s really nothing to be done for it, either, because I have to make money to support life – the life of my relationship with Rob, the animals I have, and the little things I get to do when I’m not at work. It sounds terrible, but it’s pretty numbing, actually, so it’s not technically painful unless I try to think about it. Then the atrophied channels in my brain scream in terror when neurochemicals are forced through them and they awaken to a reality of stagnation and “aggressive dullness” [descriptive term used on yet another show last night].
These precious channels that once held promise of being used for something exciting are also awoken when certain sounds are heard, like good music. This is especially dangerous when driving and such a song accidentally comes on, resulting in sheer waking panic and awareness of the horror that yes, I’m still here, I’m not doing anything good, and yes, I really do intend to kill off the person that I once was. Whee!!
I’m not sure how this has all come about today. I mean, I’m sitting here typing this out, realizing it all myself, but at the same time, I’m already dead enough that it doesn’t really bother me.
I don’t know if you get to a certain age and all your dreams die because you have to grow up at some point and take responsibility for your life, and your life has taken on a life of its own, or whether life just goes on by itself, gathering responsibility and settling into a groove of ease. The path of least resistance, I suppose. If I’m asleep at the switch, and not forcing life to go somewhere, then it just goes to the path of least resistance, which, for me, seems to involve going to work, coming home, sleeping, getting up and going back to work again. And I don’t really even HATE this job, per se, I just don’t find it fulfilling in any way or remotely interesting at all. Sure, I like some of the people I have to deal with. Sure I like the comfort of having a nice warm (today) office to come to. Sure, I like the predictability of knowing what I’ll be doing day-to-day. I don’t know if I like uncertainty any more. It was OK when I was younger, but that was mostly because it was an obstacle to overcome so comfort and predictability could be established. You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you, you make plans to get your life settled. Then, when it’s all settled, you can’t find the person you once were, and you freak right the fuck out.
Which, I suppose, is where I might be today if I cared more. But I have a whole apathy thing going on about my life, in that I’m not sure I’d change anything if I could, because it would be “too much effort”. My laziness, once an asset forcing me to come up with creative ways to work less and accomplish more, is now my downfall. “Hoisted by me own petard”, as they’d have said back in the day.
Don’t get me wrong – I still like a lot of things about me. I still think I’m clever. I still think I’m kind of fun to hang out with. I still think it’s great I’m dedicated to the animals. I still really like the things I like – Rob, music, animals, food, games, driving… is that it? I’m sure there’s more that I like. I just can’t think of it right now.
See? Stupid. More lost brain cells.
Anyway, for the record: The trailer settlement has mostly been closed out. We got our cheques, and I’m OK with the deal. I’m not thrilled, but whatever. I may pursue the insurance company some more later on for the trailer mortgage payments that I had to pay while they were dicking around with my claim.
We also have a new trailer on order through a dealership in BC, because they have the buying volume power to get the manufacturer to change the things we want changed on the new trailer (to make it pretty much exactly like our old one, only better now because we have heated and enclosed holding tanks, an extra large handle on the bedroom door, a flip-up counter extension in the kitchen, bla bla bla…). It’s even costing us about the same as the old one, only we have to go to Abbottsford to pick it up, which should be interesting because the trailer should be ready right around Christmas, and that involves negotiating the pass in winter weather. Can’t say I’m really looking forward to that with any glee.
The dogs are doing very well, being little terrors. Millie has taken to chewing parts of the sofa and cushions while we’re away at work, but I’m counteracting her terror attacks by spraying the furniture with a bitter apple spray. If that doesn’t work, I have other measures to implement, like ben-gay (thanks to a friend’s suggestion). Our house might smell like athletic old people, but at least we won’t lose any more furniture. The dogs are really pure joy for me – all friendly and furry. Beau has been especially snuggly lately, and I revel in that. He snuggles right up to me on the sofa in the evenings, and this morning, he burrowed down into the blankets in bed. Millie is a defiant little thing, making a stand when she starts to chew something bad (BAD CHEWY!!), but she knows she’s bad, and then runs under the kitchen table to hide when she gets scolded. We need to walk them more, and I feel pretty guilty about being tired and not giving them enough exercise. I’m planning to get them out for a nice long walk this weekend, maybe in the Bragg Creek area of Kananaskis.
Millie starts and Beau goes back to obedience class starting next Tuesday. It was the Pet Expo this weekend, so the rescue had a booth up, and I spent a bunch of money on dog stuff while I was there. They all got new collars, except the NoodleDog because his is holding up pretty well and he just got a new training collar anyway. Millie got a nice new jacket that fits her fat little body. She is sleek like a seal! But solid. Cooter got shoes for his feet, since he gets ice balls in his fur and has to spend time picking them out, and I think it irritates him and makes his sensitive feet more sensitive! They all got nice meaty bones and some good beef chewies. Dogs are expensive! But fun to shop for.
I am making no progress on the wedding planning. I have a list of some people to invite, and need Rob’s list for his people. I have an idea of what I want, but no idea where it will happen, or exactly how… it’s kind of frustrating because I don’t really have time to do it.
It’s getting cold out, too. It’s alright today, of course, but it was cold last week and I know it’s all downhill from here with winter coming. Spring seems pretty far away, but at the same time, time is just flying by really too fast for me to think. It seems like every day, there is too much to get done, but I don’t feel like anything is being accomplished.
And that’s my bi-monthly update!!
The problem, however, is that my head is mostly empty these days. Seriously. I think my job is killing my brain. I’m fairly sure that every day I spend here results in decreased I.Q. points. I know I’m gaining “life experience”, in that I’m experiencing life by default – I’m not dead. But I’m not learning anything new, and not doing anything remotely interesting. There’s really nothing to be done for it, either, because I have to make money to support life – the life of my relationship with Rob, the animals I have, and the little things I get to do when I’m not at work. It sounds terrible, but it’s pretty numbing, actually, so it’s not technically painful unless I try to think about it. Then the atrophied channels in my brain scream in terror when neurochemicals are forced through them and they awaken to a reality of stagnation and “aggressive dullness” [descriptive term used on yet another show last night].
These precious channels that once held promise of being used for something exciting are also awoken when certain sounds are heard, like good music. This is especially dangerous when driving and such a song accidentally comes on, resulting in sheer waking panic and awareness of the horror that yes, I’m still here, I’m not doing anything good, and yes, I really do intend to kill off the person that I once was. Whee!!
I’m not sure how this has all come about today. I mean, I’m sitting here typing this out, realizing it all myself, but at the same time, I’m already dead enough that it doesn’t really bother me.
I don’t know if you get to a certain age and all your dreams die because you have to grow up at some point and take responsibility for your life, and your life has taken on a life of its own, or whether life just goes on by itself, gathering responsibility and settling into a groove of ease. The path of least resistance, I suppose. If I’m asleep at the switch, and not forcing life to go somewhere, then it just goes to the path of least resistance, which, for me, seems to involve going to work, coming home, sleeping, getting up and going back to work again. And I don’t really even HATE this job, per se, I just don’t find it fulfilling in any way or remotely interesting at all. Sure, I like some of the people I have to deal with. Sure I like the comfort of having a nice warm (today) office to come to. Sure, I like the predictability of knowing what I’ll be doing day-to-day. I don’t know if I like uncertainty any more. It was OK when I was younger, but that was mostly because it was an obstacle to overcome so comfort and predictability could be established. You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you, you make plans to get your life settled. Then, when it’s all settled, you can’t find the person you once were, and you freak right the fuck out.
Which, I suppose, is where I might be today if I cared more. But I have a whole apathy thing going on about my life, in that I’m not sure I’d change anything if I could, because it would be “too much effort”. My laziness, once an asset forcing me to come up with creative ways to work less and accomplish more, is now my downfall. “Hoisted by me own petard”, as they’d have said back in the day.
Don’t get me wrong – I still like a lot of things about me. I still think I’m clever. I still think I’m kind of fun to hang out with. I still think it’s great I’m dedicated to the animals. I still really like the things I like – Rob, music, animals, food, games, driving… is that it? I’m sure there’s more that I like. I just can’t think of it right now.
See? Stupid. More lost brain cells.
Anyway, for the record: The trailer settlement has mostly been closed out. We got our cheques, and I’m OK with the deal. I’m not thrilled, but whatever. I may pursue the insurance company some more later on for the trailer mortgage payments that I had to pay while they were dicking around with my claim.
We also have a new trailer on order through a dealership in BC, because they have the buying volume power to get the manufacturer to change the things we want changed on the new trailer (to make it pretty much exactly like our old one, only better now because we have heated and enclosed holding tanks, an extra large handle on the bedroom door, a flip-up counter extension in the kitchen, bla bla bla…). It’s even costing us about the same as the old one, only we have to go to Abbottsford to pick it up, which should be interesting because the trailer should be ready right around Christmas, and that involves negotiating the pass in winter weather. Can’t say I’m really looking forward to that with any glee.
The dogs are doing very well, being little terrors. Millie has taken to chewing parts of the sofa and cushions while we’re away at work, but I’m counteracting her terror attacks by spraying the furniture with a bitter apple spray. If that doesn’t work, I have other measures to implement, like ben-gay (thanks to a friend’s suggestion). Our house might smell like athletic old people, but at least we won’t lose any more furniture. The dogs are really pure joy for me – all friendly and furry. Beau has been especially snuggly lately, and I revel in that. He snuggles right up to me on the sofa in the evenings, and this morning, he burrowed down into the blankets in bed. Millie is a defiant little thing, making a stand when she starts to chew something bad (BAD CHEWY!!), but she knows she’s bad, and then runs under the kitchen table to hide when she gets scolded. We need to walk them more, and I feel pretty guilty about being tired and not giving them enough exercise. I’m planning to get them out for a nice long walk this weekend, maybe in the Bragg Creek area of Kananaskis.
Millie starts and Beau goes back to obedience class starting next Tuesday. It was the Pet Expo this weekend, so the rescue had a booth up, and I spent a bunch of money on dog stuff while I was there. They all got new collars, except the NoodleDog because his is holding up pretty well and he just got a new training collar anyway. Millie got a nice new jacket that fits her fat little body. She is sleek like a seal! But solid. Cooter got shoes for his feet, since he gets ice balls in his fur and has to spend time picking them out, and I think it irritates him and makes his sensitive feet more sensitive! They all got nice meaty bones and some good beef chewies. Dogs are expensive! But fun to shop for.
I am making no progress on the wedding planning. I have a list of some people to invite, and need Rob’s list for his people. I have an idea of what I want, but no idea where it will happen, or exactly how… it’s kind of frustrating because I don’t really have time to do it.
It’s getting cold out, too. It’s alright today, of course, but it was cold last week and I know it’s all downhill from here with winter coming. Spring seems pretty far away, but at the same time, time is just flying by really too fast for me to think. It seems like every day, there is too much to get done, but I don’t feel like anything is being accomplished.
And that’s my bi-monthly update!!
