Wednesday, December 29, 2004
'Tis the Season of... REALLY REALLY COLD
Well, it’s definitely not Christmas any more. It’s… something else. We have moved beyond the sprit of the season of kindness and giving, and straight into FREEZING YOUR ASS OFF.
Now, normally, I’m not that worried about freezing my ass off because I live in a house with heat, and hot water, and a stove, and reasonably good things to eat in my cupboards and refrigerator. However, this year, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned numerous times here, I’m moving into Rob’s house, so my place is a complete and total disaster, what with the packing and my whole brain exploding. The packing is very disorganized, unlike the last time I moved, which was into my very own place that I actually owned for the first time, ever, and that time was VERY structured and organized since I had many boxes and could just pack everything up and move it over WITH MOVERS who I paid to deal with the nasty end of the moving (lifting heavy things). All I had to do was put things in nicely labeled boxes. It was nearly easy. It was certainly NOT disorganized.
This time around, it is very disorganized and scattered, with me packing up parts of rooms here and there, putting things in to boxes that are clearly mis-labeled, since they say “office” but really contain “living room things”. LAST TIME, the boxes marked “Bar, Glass” contained glass from my bar. This time around, I think the box marked “Bar, Glass” contains liquor from the bar, which was as close as I could get. Anyway, I realize this is partly my fault for not getting rid of all my old boxes, like most “normal” people do after they move into what they figure will be a permanent residence, but as you’ve probably gathered, I’m not falling into any “normal” categories here.
Aside from the packing, which is chaos, I have also mentioned that we are supposed to go CAMPING for NEW YEAR’S EVE. When it is cold out, because New Year’s Eve foolishly falls in the middle of fucking WINTER. The weather forecast has, for the past week, promised that it will be cold tomorrow, and colder on Friday, which is, as you already know, NEW YEAR’S EVE!! Today, it is only cold, not HELL FREEZING OVER COLD, and that means it’s only around –10C. It’s cold, alright? I consider it cold out when you can see your breath. This is much colder than that. Tonight it is supposed to go down to –18C, which is even colder and approaching HELL FREEZING OVER COLD, and the day after that we are promised –27C. That is actually HELL FREEZING OVER COLD. All the little minions in Hell are already getting out their toques and mittens, and are starting to bitch about how it’s not usually this cold, and how they can’t see it getting much colder. Well, get ready, minions, it’s going to freeze your asses off. Right off, in fact. Because they will be frozen, and when you all fall to the ground, moaning quietly as your lips freeze together, your asses will shatter and fall OFF!
I, on the other hand, know this is coming. I have tried to convince my appendix to burst, which it has stubbornly not done. I have tried to break my foot, even, by jumping off the kitchen counter last night while I was packing a box with the things I had stored above the kitchen cupboards. It did not work, and all that happened was I bruised the bottom of my foot, and now I have to pretend it’s OK because if I limp and whine at all, Rob will think I’m trying to get out of camping (which I kind of am, but need a much better excuse).
My anxiety grows. We talked about it a little this morning, since I had heard three times on the weather report that it was going to be insanely cold, and the weather reporters used terms like “cold snap”, “arctic stream”, “extreme windchill”, and “deep freeze”.
ME: Of course you know, if this doesn’t work out, I will never want to go camping in the winter again, EVER.
ROB: It won’t be that bad, really. I don’t know why you think it will be so bad. We’ll even be inside most of the time.
ME: Well, then, why do we have to drive out to the middle of nowhere if we’re just going to be inside? We have “inside” right here in the city, at your house, which you own. It’s nice, and it has heat and a stove and a nice warm bed to sleep in. We could unplug the TV and pretend it isn’t there. Plus, it’s going to be really, really cold.
ROB: Hee. At least we have the camper. I’ve tented in weather colder than this.
ME: [rolling eyes at the tenting reference, refraining from telling him he may be insane] I’m serious! If you want “inside, but a more rustic setting”, we can go in the garage to eat dinner.
ROB: It’s going to be fine.
Apparently, we’re still going CAMPING IN THE WINTER!!
At least there will be no Tsunamis where we are camping. But if there is an earthquake, I will take it as a sign that camping in the winter is definitely nuts.
Now, normally, I’m not that worried about freezing my ass off because I live in a house with heat, and hot water, and a stove, and reasonably good things to eat in my cupboards and refrigerator. However, this year, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned numerous times here, I’m moving into Rob’s house, so my place is a complete and total disaster, what with the packing and my whole brain exploding. The packing is very disorganized, unlike the last time I moved, which was into my very own place that I actually owned for the first time, ever, and that time was VERY structured and organized since I had many boxes and could just pack everything up and move it over WITH MOVERS who I paid to deal with the nasty end of the moving (lifting heavy things). All I had to do was put things in nicely labeled boxes. It was nearly easy. It was certainly NOT disorganized.
This time around, it is very disorganized and scattered, with me packing up parts of rooms here and there, putting things in to boxes that are clearly mis-labeled, since they say “office” but really contain “living room things”. LAST TIME, the boxes marked “Bar, Glass” contained glass from my bar. This time around, I think the box marked “Bar, Glass” contains liquor from the bar, which was as close as I could get. Anyway, I realize this is partly my fault for not getting rid of all my old boxes, like most “normal” people do after they move into what they figure will be a permanent residence, but as you’ve probably gathered, I’m not falling into any “normal” categories here.
Aside from the packing, which is chaos, I have also mentioned that we are supposed to go CAMPING for NEW YEAR’S EVE. When it is cold out, because New Year’s Eve foolishly falls in the middle of fucking WINTER. The weather forecast has, for the past week, promised that it will be cold tomorrow, and colder on Friday, which is, as you already know, NEW YEAR’S EVE!! Today, it is only cold, not HELL FREEZING OVER COLD, and that means it’s only around –10C. It’s cold, alright? I consider it cold out when you can see your breath. This is much colder than that. Tonight it is supposed to go down to –18C, which is even colder and approaching HELL FREEZING OVER COLD, and the day after that we are promised –27C. That is actually HELL FREEZING OVER COLD. All the little minions in Hell are already getting out their toques and mittens, and are starting to bitch about how it’s not usually this cold, and how they can’t see it getting much colder. Well, get ready, minions, it’s going to freeze your asses off. Right off, in fact. Because they will be frozen, and when you all fall to the ground, moaning quietly as your lips freeze together, your asses will shatter and fall OFF!
I, on the other hand, know this is coming. I have tried to convince my appendix to burst, which it has stubbornly not done. I have tried to break my foot, even, by jumping off the kitchen counter last night while I was packing a box with the things I had stored above the kitchen cupboards. It did not work, and all that happened was I bruised the bottom of my foot, and now I have to pretend it’s OK because if I limp and whine at all, Rob will think I’m trying to get out of camping (which I kind of am, but need a much better excuse).
My anxiety grows. We talked about it a little this morning, since I had heard three times on the weather report that it was going to be insanely cold, and the weather reporters used terms like “cold snap”, “arctic stream”, “extreme windchill”, and “deep freeze”.
ME: Of course you know, if this doesn’t work out, I will never want to go camping in the winter again, EVER.
ROB: It won’t be that bad, really. I don’t know why you think it will be so bad. We’ll even be inside most of the time.
ME: Well, then, why do we have to drive out to the middle of nowhere if we’re just going to be inside? We have “inside” right here in the city, at your house, which you own. It’s nice, and it has heat and a stove and a nice warm bed to sleep in. We could unplug the TV and pretend it isn’t there. Plus, it’s going to be really, really cold.
ROB: Hee. At least we have the camper. I’ve tented in weather colder than this.
ME: [rolling eyes at the tenting reference, refraining from telling him he may be insane] I’m serious! If you want “inside, but a more rustic setting”, we can go in the garage to eat dinner.
ROB: It’s going to be fine.
Apparently, we’re still going CAMPING IN THE WINTER!!
At least there will be no Tsunamis where we are camping. But if there is an earthquake, I will take it as a sign that camping in the winter is definitely nuts.
