NoodleDog

I love my brother. We talk on the phone about nothing. Occasionally, our father inquires as to what we talked about, and there is no way I could accurately describe the conversations The Mac and I have without transcribing it (see below), and even then, it’s not going to make much sense to people who are not us. But these conversations we have can be endless and entertaining. I can spend an entire evening talking with The Mac on the phone.

Me “Mac!”
Mac “What do YOU want?”
Me “Is that any way to greet your sister?”
Mac “Oh, I see, you’re bored and you have found the time to call your long-ignored brother.”
Me “Yes.”
Mac “Well then.”
Me “What are you doing?”
Mac “Watching the STARZ Movie channel free preview weekend.”
Me “Whee! Sounds like fun! What’s on right now?”
Mac “Lots of things. There’s Troy. And The Hulk.”
Me “The Hulk? That’s a bad movie.”
Mac “Yes, yes it is. It was hard for me to tell when I was watching it because I was drunk, and making fun of it, but I couldn’t quite tell if I was enjoying it because I was drunk and making fun of it, or if it really was that terrible.”
Me “No, it was terrible. I didn’t see it.”
Mac “Then how can you comment on the terrible-ness of it?”
Me “I’m using my preconceived notions. I could tell from the previews.”
Mac “I don’t think that counts. I think you might have to watch it.”
Me “No way. I don’t want to sit through it.”
Mac “Then you can’t comment on it.”
Me “Oh, I can comment. What was the name of the guy in it?”
Mac “The Hulk?”
Me “Yeah, was it David Banner?”
Mac “No, David Banner was in the series. Bruce Banner was the guy in the movie.”
Me “Yeah, I remember that, because when we used to watch it when we were young, we’d always call the guy “David Banner Man”. Remember?”
Mac “No. This Bruce Banner was a relative. His son.”
Me “Ok then, but I still don’t want to see it.”
Mac “Do you know who’s in it?”
Me “No.”
Mac “Nick Nolte. Nick Nolte is in The Hulk.”
Me “No way!”
Mac “Yes. And so is Sam Elliott.”
Me “Sam Elliott of “Shakedown” fame?”
Mac ??“ “Shakedown” fame?”
Me “Yeah, you know. Shakedown. From the Midnight Run previews. You remember.”
Mac “I remember the previews. You’re an idiot. That’s the best you can come up with for Sam Elliott?”
Me “Well, what else was he in?”
Mac “Lots of things.”
Me “Such as?”
Mac “Well, there was Lonesome Dove…”
Me “And Roadhouse, with Patrick Swayze. He was good in that.”
Mac “I guess. But there has to be something more famous than “Shakedown” for Sam Elliot to have been in.”
Me “I just don’t know.”
Mac “Guess what other preview was on the Midnight Run tape?”
Me “I don’t remember.”
Mac “Into the Night”
Me “Oooh, I love that one. Right.”
Mac “You have no idea.”
Me “Who plays The Hulk?”
Mac “You mean, who is the guy who plays the Bruce character?”
Me “Yeah – is there an actual guy, or is the character entirely CGI?”
Mac “What? No. There’s a guy. His name is Eric Bana.”
Me “Doesn’t help me. I have no reference to him in my memory at all. What else was he in?”
Mac “He was in Black Hawk Down.”
Me “Didn’t see it.”
Mac “You see nothing.”
Me “Who else was in Black Hawk Down? Someone I remember?”
Mac “Josh Hartnett?”
Me “Who? Wasn’t that Colin guy in Black Hawk Down?”
Mac “Which Colin Guy? Colin Firth?”
Me “Is he Wolverine?”
Mac “No! Wolverine is Hugh Jackman. We've been over this before.”
Me “Oh. I thought that a Colin guy was Wolverine. Colin Farrell? The one who was in Phone Booth?”
Mac “No, you’re thinking Colin Firth, who was in all those girl movies, like Bridget Jones’s Diary. Colin Farrell was more known for that… that one. You know.”
Me “Obviously not.”
Mac “That Tom Cruise fuckety-fuck fuck.”
Me “…”
Mac “Minority Report!”
Me “Oh, because that’s so obvious with “fuckety-fuck fuck”.”
Mac “You have no idea.”
Me “I don’t any more.”
Mac “I have to go. My show is on, and you’re not helping.”
Me “I see. Well…”
Mac “’Bye!”

I’d be lost without The Mac’s guidance on movies and other entertainment-industry-related trivial crap. He can keep the Colin guys straight, and I cannot. He also knows the difference between all the actors I mix up. There are a couple who look the same (like, for instance, Billy Dee Williams and Carl Weathers, because those two guys look the same – they’re almost interchangeable, at least in my mind. The Mac’s trick for keeping them straight? Billy Dee Williams was Lando Calrisian, and Carl Weathers was Apollo Creed. See? He’s a magician. I would never have come up with that on my own…), and we’ve had long conversations about who, in Hollywood, is interchangeable. I gather there’s an entire website dedicated to that sort of thing (www.fametracker.com). And while I could probably just look these guys up (although I’d have to know their names first), it’s far more entertaining to ask The Mac.

So ask him, people, ask him (www.merlinator.blogspot.com).