NoodleDog

My sister got married last Saturday. It was a great wedding, really. She was married in a meadow on a mountain in Banff, and then their reception was in a very pretty hotel reception room in the townsite. It was lovely, and it suited her and her new husband very well.

Heh - I referred to Shane as her "new husband"... they have been together for twelve years now, so he's not exactly "new". Neither is she. They're old - ha!

It's not her wedding to which I am referring with hatred. It's mine. We spent some time helping out, or trying to help Laura out, with her wedding. We couldn't do much. I can't understand why people offer to "help" with wedding planning. I mean, really, the person doing the planning pretty much has to make all the decisions and do all the work themselves anyway, unless they are putting that control in the hands of another individual, which neither I nor my sister would ever do.

My wedding planning is finally starting to gather a little bit of steam. And as much as I'm kind of looking forward to it, I am also starting to hate some facets of it. Like people, for instance. I feel that I am kind of starting to hate people. Not on purpose, although that wouldn't be beyond something I could do, but really just as an accidental circumstance of being exposed to them so constantly lately. And the fact that people can be stupid... maybe it's not the people, individually, that I am starting to hate, maybe it's the stupidity. No, it's probably the people.

So I have some friends from way back when. They are nice enough people. I e-mail with them occasionally, and most of the time, I don't have to see them or socialize with them. It's nice. Except one of them calls and asks to get together a lot, and I don't spare up the time. I feel a little bit guilty about that, but at the same time, I feel pretty defensive about my personal time. I don't get that much of it, because I have to work in the evenings during the week a good chunk of the time. And Rob and I really are busy this summer trying to get things prepared for the wedding. So when I do get a free evening, the last thing I want to do is hang out with someone who makes me feel guilty, or uncomfortable, or just plain old unhappy. Yeah, I'm probably a really crappy friend, but I just don't want to hang out with people I don't want to hang out with. If that makes sense...

Anyway, the one spearheading the little group has been asking to get together for a few months now, and I said, about a month ago, that I could make it last night. It seemed pretty far out. Until last night rolled around... First, there was the fact that the dinner reservation was made for 8:30p... I can't eat that late. I'm trying to lose weight, which means I'm trying to eat more regularly and more healthily. I generally have to have dinner by no later than 6p, or I get tired, irritable and then just flat-out miserable with a headache. So I said I would skip dinner and then just pop by for drinks afterwards.

Only when it came to actually going, I hadn't eaten properly that evening, and I was tired and didn't want to go... Oh, we went, alright, but I don't think I had a nice time, and I don't think I was in any way properly nice enough to the friends. I didn't socialize nicely, I didn't take an interest in anything they were saying/doing... I feel bad about it, but there isn't anything I can do about it now. And I think I'm just going to leave it as that - I won't see them again now until our wedding, and then I'll probably be too busy to really say much...

Earlier this week, Rob's brother told his dad that he thinks we don't like them (him and his wife). It was a pointed comment that was supposed to make its way back to Rob, apparently because Rob hasn't talked to him about the wedding yet. Seriously? I don't get that. There really, honestly, isn't anything to say. I swear. We don't have some secret plan going on, although I am quite tempted to makea secret fucking plan and then carry it the hell out, inviting ONLY the people who aren't pissing me off right now, which consists of a small group of folks I'm still talking to... And fuck the rest of everyone. They can find out about it in the news later. So it's not like Rob has been keeping secrets from his brother, there just isn't anything to tell. We kind of have a date selected, and I'm working on the rest. I have a list of chores as long as your arm of things that need to be done before the wedding is "officially planned". Like I need a caterer, tent/equipment rentals, lighting & music selected, clothing for the groomsmen, shoes for me, dresses for my bridesmaids, and other things. Like a cake, flowers, etc.

I don't need any "help". No one can pick my flowers for me, or pick my cake for me, or buy me shoes, or write out my invitations. No one can select the menu and interview caterers. No one can select my hairstyle for that day. If other people did that stuff for me, then it wouldn't be my wedding, would it? No one can rent the tent and equipment because they don't know how many people are coming because we haven't sent out the invitations yet and don't have a number back. No one can really do any thing to help with this, and really, that's perfectly fine by me. I'm quite happy to just plug along and get stuff done. If people really wanted to help, they'd send me some rye so I can stay sane. Take my dogs for a walk. Feed my cats in the morning. Save me a little time here or there so I can get something done, but even then? That's not necessary... I quit my job (yay!) and my last day is next Friday, so I get to stay home and hang out with the dogs and plan the wedding. Sure, I have a new job starting July 1, but it's working for myself and I won't be very busy for the first two months anyway, so really? I'm good.

I don't really even want to talk to many people these days. There are some notable exceptions, like my brother's ex-girlfriend, with whom I was very good friends in University. I have been thinking of her lots lately and she's e-mailing with me again, so it's really nice. But other people? Well... maybe my sister, and maybe my other bridesmaid, Rose... a little bit here or there to talk to, and I usually enjoy talking with my brother... but really, that's about it. I would kind of rather withdraw a little, make some awesome plans and then emerge in a month and reveal everything and have everyone over so they don't have to do anything other than enjoy themselves. Seriously. That, to me, will be a good wedding.

It's also Rob's stag party tonight. I don't really begrudge him his stag party, but at the same time, I really think stag and stagette parties are about the stupidest ideas, ever. They separate people by gender, which is pretty insulting, and are kind of childish. I mean, we're not 20 years old. We're 34. We live together. It's not like all the boys have to get together and snigger about how the groom is going to see girl parts on his wedding night. And the girls don't have to get together and giggle about how the bride is going to be ooohh... married. Yeah - get over it. We're old people here. Plus, I have to say, stag and stagette parties exclude large chunks of friendship membership. If I have a stagette party, my guy friends aren't included, and that sucks. Some of my guy friends are way more fun to hang out with than some of the girls. And I know Rob has friends who are women, and they don't get to wish him well before the wedding.

Also, that brings me to my next point. We're getting married and having a wedding to celebrate our getting married, so why do we have to celebrate celebrating? I don't get it. When did the wedding stop being enough? I mean, yeah, stag parties mean everyone can get together and celebrate the engagement, but isn't, kind of, in a roundabout way, that exactly what the wedding is? It's a party. To celebrate making our lives permanently joined. We now have to have parties (gender-segregated parties) to celebrate the fact that we're having a party? Wow. Idiotic.

And one last final hate-on about stag parties: who is my best friend, anyway? Rob. Why, on earth, under any circumstance, would I want to celebrate anything, especially something having entirely to do with him, without him? I would not. Stags and stagettes are fucked-up. They suck, and are throwbacks to an archaic time when women cooked and stayed home, barefoot and knocked-up, and never asked about how much money the household was bringing in, and the men drove the cars, worked and stayed out with the boys smoking cigars and drinking all night. Yeah - stupid.

The amount of anxiety I'm experiencing about our wedding is rising. Sure, brides get nervous. Or, they're supposed to. I'm basically planning a party for all our closest friends and family and I want it to be nice. That, all by itself, is probably enough pressure to make someone a little edgy. However, the dynamic that comes with doing anything with Rob's friends is prohibitive. I may have said before that I kind of dread doing things with them. It's true. I fear seeing them. They are an intimidating group, and even after three years' exposure to them, I can't see it ever getting any easier to deal with. In fact, in some ways, it just gets worse and worse.

The main thing I do not want to have happen is that our wedding turns into an excuse for his friend group to have a party. That is not what it is. However, that's what I see happening... I don't think they do it on purpose, but the group kind of has a way of taking over everything... Sure, that could just be my perception, but that being the case, it kind of puts a major damper on me having fun at my own wedding. Which, then, begs the question of what the fuck is the point of having a goddamn wedding that is going to cost us tons of time and money if I am just going to dread it, hate it and be miserable on what should be the happiest day of my life, the first day I spend being joined permanently with the man I love more than anything else on the planet?

I can't answer that. Really. It's the question that forces me to keep a speed-dial list of all the suppliers for the wedding so I can quickly cancel the entire shooting match. Seriously - I already have a cancellation fax drafted up so all I have to do is write in names and fax numbers of the trades and suppliers for the wedding and send it out.

At any rate, part of me is really looking forward to celebrating our marriage with my friends and family. That part of me thinks things will really be tons of fun. The other part of me that is wary, unsettled and anxious? Wants to kill the fun-loving part and then cancel everything, hold a very strict family-only ceremony, and then if Rob wants to, he can have a party afterwards with all his people, and I will stay home and hide under a pile of coats, entertaining myself quietly.

Odds on whether one side will emerge victorious: 60-40. I ain't sayin' which side's ahead.